Hey guys, so this post is coming out very late and it is going to be pretty short and I'll explain why:
I am starting my new job tomorrow! (Yay!) So, for the next couple days, until I can get a feel on my schedule and whatnot, I will probably cut my blog posts down to once a week or maybe more, but most likely will not be a daily occurence. No worries though as I will still maintain regular updates on my instagram and facebook pages, so keep a lookout for those! I will also be going on vacation from the 18th-25th, so I will try to post during that week, but if I don't, I'm not calling it quits, I will be back the following day or so. With that being said, let's talk about the stresses big changes can have on one's life. As stated earlier, I am starting a new job. Not to mention today is Mother's Day. (Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful mommas out there.) So, this past week has been stressful with preparing for my new job, shopping for Mother's Day, trying to get all my things ready for vacation- you get the point. I always thought working was stressful, but honestly I think I can now say being off for a week with no real direction, other than trying to plan things out that are completely different from one another is WAY more stressful. Not to mention the fact I'm also in the process of getting ready (trying, at least) for the fall semester. All of that is a lot, and I'm not gonna lie, I've been feeling slightly overwhelmed these past couple weeks, but I have found some ways that have helped me relax, and I want to share those with you all to have in your stressful hours. One of my ways of handling the feelings of stress, being overwhelmed, and overall exhaustion is sleeping. Probably not the most productive way to handle everything, but I'm telling you, a good nap can really get you focused. I took probably a three hour nap today and when I woke up, I felt so well rested and ready to plan out my week for the upcoming events that I'm going to be sorting through. Which brings me to the next item on the list, creating lists! Yeah, yeah, I know, for some people making lists is awful and they hate it because they think they will remember everything- well, I'm here to tell you while you will remember most things, having a list makes all of those little things you might miss stay sharp in your brain. I'm actually in the process of making a list for things to pack on my trip I will be taking in six days. It really helps you keep on top of things, and even if it isn't a packing list, just a "To-Do" list, it still will help you maintain the important and even some less important events that you have upcoming or need to schedule. My last way of "de-stressing" is going to be good old fashioned relaxing. And, by relaxing I mean just simply laying on the couch or on your bed with your laptop or phone, watching YouTube and Netflix, all the while having a full size carrot cake you bought from Walmart, because you're too busy relaxing to worry about baking. Okay, so maybe that last part is just me, but the rest still stands! Just finding things that you enjoy doing to relax is honestly the best way to de-stress yourself. Take a nice, hot bubble bath, eat that chocolate you've been eyeing, but have been to torn to touch, treat yourself to a spa day where you go and get your hair and nails done, or do them yourself at home if you're like me and like to save $$$. All in all, life is going to make you crazy stressed and overwhelmed at times, but that's okay! As long as you take the time to focus on yourself, mentally and physically. (Even if it is a rare occasion.) Make sure you're letting yourself relax and let go of all the shit going on in your life. If you allow yourself the time to just enjoy the little things that make you happy, then really you're already one step closer to letting yourself be (somewhat) stress free. Just take time to appreciate yourself. In the end, stressing is only going to cause you to be unhappy and unhealthy. But, if you give yourself that much needed downtime, I can assure you, not only will you feel more focused, you will feel refreshed and ready to tackle all of the stresses life throws at you.
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You ever see something on a mannequin and you're like, "Oh my gosh, I have to try that on immediately." You go, try it on, get so excited to see this gorgeous item on you that is clearly going to make you look gorgeous, but when you look at yourself in the store's long mirror, "Is this the same item I just picked up earlier?"
What is up with that?! I went shopping earlier today and found three dresses that looked absolutely stunning on the rack, but once I put them on myself, they looked awful! Not even just the color, but like the style completely changed when it was on my body. But, the dress that looked very "okay" on the rack looked fan-freaking-tastic on me! But, I've noticed, since I have gained a bit of weight from the past two years clothes seem to not fit anymore, and I wanna discuss that today. Picture this: early to mid 2017, I am 5'11, 140 pounds and thin as a pole, no butt and decent boobage. I was in great shape, (er- well media's definition of great shape) tall, thin, the works. I could wear pretty much everything and anything, I never had trouble finding clothes anywhere. Then, in late 2017, I met my darling love, Ryan and he fattened me up in no time. Fast forward to today, I'm still 5'11, but now I'm a healthy 180 pounds. Most people have the same comment of, "Oh, Holdyn, you used to be so thin, if you lost 20 pounds, you'd look great!" (Gee, thanks.) And others comment, "Wow, you've really filled out since high school, you look great!" (Are you trying to compliment me or insult me?) In addition to the new comments I have received, I also have noticed that women's clothes feel like they're made for freaking toddlers! Like, what in the world? I'm supposed to be in Women's, not Youth! *Sigh* Not to mention if they're not too small, they're INSANELY big. Like, I am a size 8. But, it seems like every size is made for a 0-6 or a 14+, where are the 8's??? I feel like big industries market only to either incredibly small, or incredibly big women, which, by the way, is not a bad thing, I just want to talk more on the middle group here, those who are like very average size. Like, those who are right in the area of not skinny, but also not big, just sorta chubby, has like a double chin, but only in certain angels- that group. My legs are chubby, my butt has (thankfully) gotten bigger, I've got some belly chub, and I now have those wonderful love handles everyone likes. Since obtaining these new additions to my body, clothes just don't work now. Used to, I could walk in and just get my "normal" size, without trying it on, and it would look fine! Now though, I literally have to try EVERYTHING on. Sometimes I can wear 6's or 10's or Mediums or Extra Larges- like why is that?! I just don't understand why every single company has to screw up the middle group sizes. I just want to go into a store and find an outfit that isn't in 12 different sizes and looks as good on me as it does on this rack. Sometimes, because of this, I do wish I was a size 4 again. Until I gained weight, I never knew what it was like to feel self conscious about my body. I had the body of those girls you see in magazines and on TV, so I never had a reason to feel any differently about my body. So many posts talk about loving your curves and your body as a whole, but what about the girls who don't fall into the category of curvy or plus size? The ones who are just chubbier and don't have an hour glass or any curves for that matter? I have hip dips, which if you don't know, is where your hips curve inwards, like, what??? Why don't we talk about that? How it is okay to have that and to love that? I am super busty up top, but I have love handles, a chubby belly, and no butt. An inverted triangle shape, if you will, yet nobody talks about that specific body type. Just love your curves and rolls or you're skinny. There is no in between here and I think the girls who fall in that middle section should be included more. So, if you fall into that middle category, along with myself, please know that although the attention is never really brought to us chubby, non curvy women- you are still beautiful. I still struggle with knowing my own beauty, as this is a relatively new experience for me, but although you probably won't start seeing any "average" women promos anytime soon, know that you can rock whatever you want and make it work. I have to tell myself the same thing, and today I did. And, because of that, I got a gorgeous dress that I'm going to slay when I go out. #SelfLove Growing up, I assume most of us either read or watched the 1983 movie, "The Outsiders". Being that my mom is a Language Arts teacher- I grew up with a pretty decent knowledge about most literature, classic and otherwise. (Catcher In The Rye- Holden Caulfield/Holdyn Morrow- very discreet, I know.) But, today I really want to focus on the poem that is used in "The Outsiders", "Nothing Gold Can Stay" by Robert Frost.
Now, for those who do not or have not read/watched, "The Outsiders" or read the poem, let me share with you how it goes: "Nature's first green is gold, Her hardest hue to hold. Her early leaf's a flower; But only so an hour. Then leaf subsides to leaf, So Eden sank to grief, So dawn goes down to day Nothing gold can stay." I absolutely adore this poem, by the way. It is so simple, but there are so many ways to look at it. This entry will be all about the way I interpret it, and how I think it applies to everyday life. To me, when I read this- the main line that pops out to me is, "Nothing gold can stay." The reason why is because it is so real. You can apply it to anything. Relationships, youth, days, nights, friendships, etc. Nothing gold can stay. For me, the one that really sticks is youth. We are all aging day by day, and the older I get, the faster my life seems to start to fade more into reality and less about the more wholesome and imaginative aspects of life. For instance, one of my very first memories is on Christmas Eve night, I woke up to the sound of shoes walking around on the carpeted floor outside, and I absolutely knew it was Santa Claus. I giggled and squealed with delight knowing he was there in my house, eating the cookies I made him, drinking the milk I put out for him, etc. As a four year old girl, this was a HUGE deal, and I can remember being so excited to tell my mom in the morning that I heard Santa Claus. I look back fondly on this memory as there was so much joy in believing. Nature's first green is gold. But, as years have gone on by and I have learned to believe, rather than the person, the spirit, of Old St. Nick, which still holds some meaning to it, but it will never be gold again as it once was. Her hardest hue to hold. In the blink of an eye my life has went from going to school, going home to play games and go outside, eating dinner, spending time with my mom, and going to sleep to do it all again the next morning at 6:00am, to waking up, going to work, trying to find time to eat lunch, stressing about bills, and eventually falling asleep due to exhaustion. The joy has been essentially taken out, sure there are still many things I enjoy as an adult, but nothing can compare to the child-like wonder you experience as a kid. I used to say that I couldn't wait to be all grown up so I could do my own things. I look back and think of how silly I was to want to lose those golden moments that would soon fade. Her early leaf's a flower. I can actually remember the day that I thought to myself that my years seemed to be going faster. I actually told my mom, because it was so odd to me. But, only so an hour. I am still very young in a sense, too young to be considered a grown adult, but not young enough to be considered a child. But, as I get older I find myself either being terrified of growing up or being so excited that I want it here now. Then, leaf subsides to leaf. Youth is a fleeting moment in time, before you know it, you're grown with a career and a home, a husband or wife, possibly children. It feels so surreal when you begin to think about it, and it is so bittersweet. On the one hand, you're making something of yourself, becoming the person society has prepped you to be, but on the other, you're losing this wonderful instance of no worries or cares and innocence. So, Eden sank to grief. I suppose that is how life is though. Here for one moment, then gone the next. I don't think many people like to think on this because in growing up, you experience a lot of regrets. Why didn't I do this? Why didn't I cherish this? Why did I not stop to take it all in? So many why's. Personally, I think we should all take a moment to think about these regrets and moments from oh so long ago or maybe not so long ago. So, dawn goes down to day. Life is a fleeting moment, childhood and adulthood. It is only here for a moment, we need to begin to cherish these moments more. Every day, seeing the possibilities and outcomes that life does have to offer, even if they're bad, just being thankful for being able to experience this life. I know this has gotten a bit preachy, so I'll end on this: Life is an experience. It is up to the individual how to live their life. Childhood innocence is only around for so long before you grow up and face a new set of challenges and positives that will occur. Life is only here for a moment, before it is gone. Take the time to appreciate your life, even if it isn't where you want it to be at the moment. You will grow and change, it comes naturally. But, don't forget to enjoy the little things, as they will eventually become memories as we grow old. Cherish these moments while they're here, because before you know it, they will be gone. Just like nature's first green. Nothing gold can stay. So, today's post is a bit later than usual- but, there's a good reason for that, and that reason would be, that I was feeling lazy and wanted to relax most of the day. Okay, so maybe not the BEST explanation for most things, but I do believe that "lazy" days are very important, let me tell you why.
First off, life is stressful. Like, crazy stressful at time, and sometimes we just need a break from all thr craziness that is going on in our lives or the people in our lives. I think a lot of people neglect their own self happiness by trying to make others happy. And to that I say, hell to the no. Friendships, relationships, etc. No matter what type of dynamic you may have with someone, it is not going to work if you are unhappy. You have to make sure you are happy before you can make someone else truly happy. And, to be real, most people really struggle with their own happiness. For instance, I have struggled with maintaining my own happiness at times. I get consumed with work, friends, family, and everything else and I become overwhelmed. I've been doing significanly better on making sure to check myself to see if I am doing things that make me happy. One issue that I have is planning to do things with my friends, or even just keeping in contact. I could honestly go weeks without contacting friends of mine, and be completely okay. But, for a lot of people, they don't like that, they want someone who is invested, and that is perfectly fine! I just struggle with so many personality types to the point where I can only handle certain people at certain times. If I hang out with someone a lot, I typically will get burnt out and need some space- nothing against them, just my own brain and how it works. Now, if you're like me- you'll know the struggle of keeping friends or really maintaining any type of relationship due to that reasoning. It isn't that you WANT to bail out on people, that is just what you feel like you're capable of putting into the relationship. For me, I feel like a terrible friend. In my head I understand why someone wouldn't want to be friends with me, because I can only handle so much of a person at a time, and I know those of you who have these same issues, would most likely agree- but here is my thing- even though I feel like a bad friend, it is still what makes me happy. Not everyone is going to be social all the time, or even a smaller portion of the time. Everyone is different. Now, this is not to say that the people on the receiving end of this friendship shouldn't feel sad or abandoned by their friend- it probably does feel that way, and it makes sense as to why you would be feeling that way. Just know that it really is not you or your personality, it is just a matter of feeling a bit mentally exhausted from keeping up with everything and everyone else going on in life. It isn't a grudge held against you personally, it is more or less, just needing that lazy day or days to clear the mind and reset so things can start feeling happier again that way you, the friend, SO, or family member are getting 100% out of the relationship. Lazy days are also great to work on yourself! I love lazy days and figuring out my goals, my plans, and making sure I'm maintaining my home, updating my journals, and of course thinking about my next topic I want to write about. Like, today, I had a completely different topic picked out to write about today, but I decided to write about this subject instead, because I don't think this is talked about enough. You always get told, "Make sure you are working your hardest." "Do your best!" You get the point, but sometimes, your "best" is taking time to focus on you and making sure you are doing everything in your power to maintain your own happiness and overall mental and physical health. I know the word "lazy" seems to have a negative connotation to it, and I suppose in some cases it is, but in this instance it is wonderful! Seriously, being lazy on these days feels fantastic. No cares, no worries, I haven't even changed out of my pajamas all day, and I feel great. Messy hair, naps, watching YouTube videos, and playing with my cat. It has been a very nice day- even though, sure it has been lazy, it has been very beneficial! Which is what matters- lazy or not, results are results. So, the next time you're feeling a bit overwhelmed and exhausted, take a lazy day. Spend the day in your pjs, watch TV, ignore calls and texts, listen to music, just enjoy having some you time, it doesn't come very often, so enjoy the absolute hell out of it. Make a day out of it- a lazy day that is. Just enjoy being able to have some "me" time and resetting yourself that way you're putting 100% of the real you into your relationships and work, because at the end of the day, your happiness is the key to ensuring the quality of your life and the people who are in it. Growing up, I was an only child- so I looked at my cousins like siblings, because, well, they were the closest things that I had to siblings. Now, having built-in best friends is awesome- truly, but, oh my gosh- we are a trio. There's myself, Gabriel, and Kaitlin who are considered the OG's. Kaitlin is four years older than me and Gabriel, and I'm five months older than Gabe. As you can probably guess, Gabe and I were the closest because of age. And that's exactly who I wanna talk about today! I'll have a whole seperate entry on Kaitlin, but, just because we all had such different relationship dynamics with one another I want to discuss in depth each individual- so, for now, let's discuss the guy who I consider my brother.
January 29th, 2000. I graced the world with my presence. (All nine pounds of it.) I was the newest addition after four years! The new baby whom my family treasured. BUT, that all changed exactly five months and one week later when Gabriel arrived in all his ginger glory. Now, I had competition, but I was way cuter, (and not a bright red head) so I had that going for me. (Message to all red heads- you are all beautiful, and the only bright red head who I make fun of is the one who is closest to me, thank you for coming to my TedTalk.) Gabe and I did practically everything together. We watched TV together, got in trouble together, played together (with Kaitlin as well), our entire lives we pretty much did any and everything as a team. But, then, Gabe and Kaitlin moved to the county over. So, we stopped going to the same school and seeing each other as much as we had been. I still came over quite frequenly though, so things weren't all bad. We all used to play Lilo and Stich- which if you don't know is a show about a girl and her alien pet and all these other aliens- and you get the point. My oh so loving cousins used to call me, "Lilo" because of my wider than most tomato nose. But, it's okay- Gabe used to be a hefty little dude, so we called him, "The Pillsbury Dough Boy." (P.S- Gabe, if you read this, your nickname was way worse than mine, so ha, I win.) But, in all seriousness, we loved playing together and enjoyed growing up together as, essentially, siblings. We used to play this game with my old dog, Knox, it was called, "Fab Puppy." I don't know where or why we came up with this, but we would dress my massive Border Collie/Great Pyrenees up and pretend he was some big dog celebrity- again, not for sure where we came up with this at, but it was very wholesome, and one of my favorite memories. But, now, we are both grown. And he's off to college, and we are about two hours seperate from one another. And, it is hard. You know having this person who you would see every week to only being able to see them once a month or once every other month- you start to drift. He and I are just changing course and I'm super proud of who is he and who he is going to be, but when he does come to visit, I find myself reminiscing on the more innocent times when we didn't have a care in the world. Now, we are both so busy with our jobs, school, relationships, and everything inbetween. I know that sadly, as you get older those memories will begin to fade and just be a passing thought- I'll smile, maybe laugh when I remember, but those days are gone. Yet, I also find myself excited for the new memories that we are going to make as we grow older. Graduating college, finding life long careers, getting married to our SO's, buying our first houses and just having those days where we will go out and catch up on our life and the events that have transpired over the course of a lifetime. I think the main purpose of today's entry is to discuss the bittersweetness of growing up. You have these wonderful memories with people who you hold so dear to your heart, but that's the thing- those moments become memories so fast. Life really does go by so quickly. I remember being 10 and playing "Fab Puppy", but in the moment I didn't realize how much the memory was going to carry on with me throughout my life. I look back fondly on these memories and I still try to really experience moments when they happen, that way I can try to recall as vividly as possible these instances that will eventually become memories- or maybe even completely forgotten. I know this entry doesn't have a "happy ending" per say, but, if we are being honest, that's life. Life isn't always just happy thoughts and occurences- most of life is very bittersweet. You just have to appreciate that for what it is and take it in stride. Well, it is time to talk about everyone's favorite (or least favorite) subject, love! Love is great, truthfully, but it can be a real pain in the ass. Like a REAL pain in the ass. It is like, you love your SO, but other times you wonder what the repercussions would be for just *pop!* right in the face. (Maybe not that exactly, but you get the point.) So, today, I want to discuss with you the perks and downsides to being in love with someone.
First, let me start this off by saying: you will know when you're truly in love with someone. For me, it was when I didn't just want happily ever after, I wanted to be with this guy through everything. Job losses, death, financial struggles, literally everything. Because, I know that as long as the two of us are together, we can get through absolutely anything. Through the ups and downs, especially the downs, because they will be there. My SO is truly my best friend. We do everything together- laugh all the time, cry with each other when we watch Marvel movies, argue over who is the funniest (it's me, by the way.), and so many other things. So, the best of friends, who also happen to make out with each other. Win-win. But, it isn't all cupcakes and rainbows by any means. We have had our fair share of trials in the time we have been together. Feeling divided over important life decisions, financial struggles, ultimatums, you name it. Bad things have happened. But, the difference between being in love with someone and just loving somebody- is how these struggles develop your relationship. Do you grow stronger from them? Do they control your effort you decide to put into the relationship? Do you just stay together for sheer convenience? It should honestly be a combination of the first two. If you're staying with someone only for convenience- then that is not the relationship for you. But, growing stronger, that's a definite win, yet, it's not going to be the only option here. You're going to begin to think differently. You're going to adjust the effort you maintain. And, that's okay. It happens. As long as you both strive to be better than the person you were yesterday, just taking it one step at a time. For instance, Ryan, my SO, and I had a pretty intense argument not too long ago- just about a month or two ago. My job was shutting down, which meant I was going to be jobless and had to find something fast. (Throwback to the first entry in this blog.) Well, I did, but it was about 40-45 minutes away, making less, getting less hours, and working with people who I just didn't click with. I knew there would be problems, but you gotta suck it up. But, what I didn't know was that my radiator had cracked, making my nice, little '04 Pontiac undrivable for more than 30 minutes at a time without overheating. Which meant for me, new car! Except I was about to lose my job. But, I couldn't start another job without having a car- so I chose to get a car, while Ryan, thought I needed to save up first- and point taken, but I was out of options here, so it was done in less than a week, and I'm now the proud owner of a 2013 Chevy Cruze. But, my car payment is relatively steep- and I was able to work it out, but there for a little bit, it was hard between the two of us. He was against, I was for. But, eventually we worked it out- and it made us stronger and smarter about finances and budgeting. It all just depends on how you decide to change or if you change at all when it comes to the struggles. Now, we have discussed a small portion of the downsides, that doesn't include family drama, wanting different things, going at different speeds, etc. Theres a lot of ground to cover there, but we will discuss further in another entry, but for now, I want to talk about all the perks that come with being in love. There's a lot of ground to cover there as well, so we will just hit the main ones. One, stability. Oh man, there's nothing better than feeling safe and secure, it is like a fireplace on a cold day- warm and inviting. When you're truly in love in a relationship and you've been together through some major events, and remain together through those events, you feel so stable. Like, truthfully there's nothing that could ever come between the two of you, because you're strong as individuals, but even stronger together. It is a very nice feeling waking up in the morning and knowing that person- your person- has your back. Second, built in best friend. If your SO isn't your best friend, something is wrong. Like, if they didn't swing your way, you'd still be best friends with them, minus the making out, but you'd still be their support, because that's how awesome they are. Now, because they are swinging your way- make out sessions!! Which is great in and of itself, but so is just being able to lay down in bed, watching Forensic Files for three hours straight just because you enjoy each others presence. I could literally call Ryan right now and tell him I saw a corgi with its head sticking out of someones car window and he and I would both start to melt. It is truly the little things in life. And three, the connection. You may think I was only mentioning making out so much to be funny, but genuinely the connection has to be very strong for you to want to only kiss the same person every day, multiple times a day, for the rest of your life. And, there's more than just kissing- but, again, another topic, another time. But, even just holding their hand, looking into their eyes, playing with their hair, etc, etc. There are just so many connections that are so intimate without being sex. I still get butterflies when Ryan sends me a good morning text. I smile like an idiot when he calls me cute. There's no better feeling than when he says, "I love you, Holdyn." For me, that's the best feeling to experience. And I love experiencing old and new feelings with him. I hope if you already have love, it feels like that everyday, and if you're still searching, please don't give up hope because someone hasn't seen how amazing you are, it just takes time. And if you've been shattered and are too wary of loving again, that's okay. Go at your own pace, don't settle for anything or anyone less than you deserve. Love is out there and there is love for everyone. Even if it doesn't feel like it. It's there- just be patient. Friends. Aren't they great? A shoulder to cry on when you're sad, a helping hand, a good time. Sometimes, they can also be the worst- but in a way that you really can't stay mad at them. But, what happens when you start to drift? Well, that's what we are going to discuss today! More specifically about myself and how maintaining friendships can be a real struggle- let's dive in, shall we?
So, for most of my life I had a very small friend group- I was never the "popular" girl by any means, people mostly knew me via my mother who also happens to be a a teacher. I cannot even count out how many times I've been asked, "Aren't you Ms. Morrow's daughter?" "OMG YOU'RE REGGIES DAUGHTER, AREN'T YOU?!" Why yes. Yes I am. And that's pretty much my legacy. "Ms. Morrow's daughter." Most people never really tried to get to know me, because they just assumed that they already did because my mom talked about me, A LOT. ("Perks" of being an only child, I guess.) But, I digress- because of a cumulation of people assuming, my awkward nature, and me looking like a prepubescent boy- I didn't really make friends too easily. I did have a couple of very close friends who meant pretty much the world to me since they were so scarce. But, the issue with having very close friends, is when they leave. My senior year of high school, I lost the two of my closest friends. For privacy sake, we will call them, Zeke and Holly. Holly had been my best friend since the sixth grade and we did literally everything together. I loved her like she was my sister. But, there were issues. We were both young and stupid and got upset over everything. Teenage hormones and what not. It was getting pretty obvious we were losing our patience with one another, but we decided to go on vacation together- which was probably the worst thing for our friendship- cue the fights over boy drama, threats, crying sessions, and eventually silent treatments. It was and is still one of my favorite vacations though. The good moments were great and I'm glad we got to enjoy those parts. We got back from vacation about a week later, and I was out on the town with my mom and another friend of mine- who I consider to this day my best friend, Jean. We were out eating at a popular restaurant close to our hometown, when I get a text from Holly, essentially berating me for going out with Jean, when I told her we were going to do that- which is true, for the record. I did tell Holly we would go out, and I still fully intended on going out, but things were tense and I just wanted to postpone. An immature way to go about it for sure, but mistakes are prevalent in the life of a 17 year old. I got really mad about her getting mad, I just didn't get her deal- she had said some horrible stuff to me on vacation, why would she already want to go out again? Well, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I told her that I was done being friends with her. And that was that. But, hey, I still had Zeke and Jean- so I had people to rely on. Er- so I thought. Zeke and I had been friends since we were about 15/16. And our friendship only lasted roughly two years, but, oh man, it was probably the closest friendship I have ever experienced. We video chatted every night, texted all the time, constantly hung out- most people thought we were dating- we weren't, but I wanted to. He, on the other hand, didn't see me as good, Christian material. I was too "outspoken" and "direct". Which, whatever, fine, lets just stay friends then. But, oh man. I didn't realize when I started coming over to his house and spending time with his family, just how screwy these people were. People who are religious- I have no issues with. I, myself would say I'm non-denominational. I believe there's a higher power- God, but I'm not crazy religious by any means. These people? I was like the epitome of all hell in this world. I wore shorts to his house one afternoon when it was around 95 degrees outside- like most normal people would. His parents DID NOT like that one bit, and pretty much told him he couldn't come over, nor could I. I was so hurt- his family made me feel like I was some trashy skank. So, I told him that. That they were "stupid assholes". I learned that day that most people take quite a bit of offense when you trash talk their parents, but I don't regret it. What I do regret, is being so attached. When he told me after that he and I were no longer friends, it was like I lost a loved one- I DID lose a loved one. He's never talked to me since. I cried and begged God for some semblance of numbness and to please let me stop feeling this pain. It didn't go away for a while. Not until I met my current boyfriend, but that's another story. In the span of roughly one month, I had lost the two closest people in my life. I was a complete mess. I had no drive, motivation, nothing. Life was rough for a bit. Obviously, I got through it with time, but man, healing feels like it takes forever. Even now, it still hurts. Almost two years later and I still cry about it sometimes, which is fine, by the way. Time can only heal so much. I'm doing much better now for sure, I have a couple very close friends who I cherish, including Jean. And, actually, Holly and I are trying to repair our friendship. Will it ever be the same as before? No, probably not. But, hopefully it will be better and more mature. Friendships can be wonderful. They can also cause some of the worst heartache and pain that's able to be experienced. And, if you find yourself in the latter portion there, just know it will get better. I thought that I was never going to be able to form friendships again- which is partly true- maintaining close friendships is quite the task for me. I don't want to be hurt again, but I'm working on it, which is the most important thing. As long as you remain somewhat optimistic about forming those close ties again, then you'll be okay. And, if you don't feel that way now, you will. Time. Just give it time. People repair themselves at their own pace, don't rush it, and if you feel like you're struggling for an extensive period of time, talk to someone. Therapy is wonderful, and I personally think everyone should do it. It's a safe place to just vent and have someone listen without trying to make you feel wrong or bad. I love my friends, and I'm working on being a better friend for them. Hopefully, they already know that. So, recently, I have been job hunting! Not necessarily by choice, but when the store you're working at closes down, you make arrangements. Now, when life gives you an ultimatum, you don't really get to argue back, let alone make a solid decision without panicking about all the different options at hand. So, that's exactly what I did- panic. Panicking for some is considered a safe space, and that rings true for me as well. If I have my time to panic and stress over decisions until I find the one that leaves me less panic-y, then that usually means I have found the option that's going to work best for me. Well, in this case I'm about to share that was NOT the case.
I was told in February of 2019 that the job I had been working at and lovef so dearly would be closing in two months. I was absolutely shocked, I cried- not for sure if it was because I would be losing my only source of income, because I truly loved the job, or something else- maybe all of those? Regardless, I was a mess. I knew I had to kick it into over drive with staying as late as possible, maintaining as many hours as I could, and using Indeed like my life depended on it. And, I can tell you now, I most certainly did use Indeed like my life depended on it, because it did. Maybe not my physical life, but my livelihood for sure. Well, after two months of searching and applying- (I applied to over 100 jobs in the span of a couple weeks!) I became desperate- instead of only applying to jobs that I deemed a good fit for me, I was applying to every single opportunity- over qualified, under qualified, over an hour away, literally anything that popped up. I think I had 10 respond back? Which is very disheartening, by the way, but I settled between two and picked the one I felt I had less stress over. And, oh was that a mistake. So, I took the job that caused me the least amount of stress in regards to pay, hours, schedule, etc. Truthfully, it was a snake in disguise. I should have been more concerned when I received an email telling me that I didn't get the position, but received a call stating otherwise. This was the first of MANY occurrences in a two day span that were chaotic and unorganized. Let's get into, then! I started my training after discussing with the District Manager. Two weeks in a hotel, $20/day, $11/hr, and a 9-6 shift. Not bad at all. Except when I started, someone got robbed the first day, not even an hour into working. And, no I'm not kidding. This poor woman comes in and then goes outside and then comes BACK in to ask us to call the cops as her wallet was just stolen. My "boss" goes, "Damn, that's the third one in six months." Hold up. What did he just say? "Erm, third in six months?" I ask. "Oh, yeah. The other two times we were robbed and gunpoint and knifepoint. Pretty scary stuff, but I wasn't personally scared, I could have knocked their asses out." Replies my 55 year old boss. Day 1 isn't looking to be as promising as what I was hoping for, but hey- it can't get any worse than being told about potential robberies, right? Wrong. I am attempting to listen and figure out what they want from me and reading all their little guides and manuals and trying to figure out how to understand the mumbo-jumbo I'm reading, and when I ask for a tad bit more explanation, I get told that I have the guide and shouldn't have to ask. Okay, weird, let me explain better. "I know I have the guide, but I'm not for sure what these terms are in regards to as I haven't worked here." My boss: "Oh, no-one knows what they mean. You just have to guess the best you can." Oh no. Oh no, there is a lot of legalities in here that determine my job stability and jail time- I need specifics here, I can't get by with just "best guesses". After panicking my first day the full day, I drive over to my hotel to find some solace in my bed and a nice shower. I get to the hotel, only to discover MY FREAKING HOTEL HASN'T BEEN PAID FOR. Cue 10 minutes of sitting in the hotel lobby while my DM and RM are berating this poor hotel manager via phone (MY phone) as I sit there sheepishly. They eventually figure everything out and I'm at this point wishing for anything, any sign that this job is for me. I decide to give it another shot the next morning. Mistakes were made. I go to work, and my boss says he has to leave for the day- so he's gone by 8:45, his assistant says she also will have to leave for "just a minute." Keep in mind, we open at 9:15. So, here I am- completely alone in a job I still don't know how to do, and people are starting to line up at the door. 9:15 rolls around, still no one. 9:20, 9:30, no-one shows back up until 9:48! People are mad, I'm about as stressed as I think humanly possible, and then I get hit with, "Why didn't you open?" BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TASHA* THAT'S WHY. But, anyway, essentially the same thing happens over again where I'm expected to know everything without being taught. Whatever, I'll figure it out eventually. At around 12:00 I decide to go on my lunch, which at the time, I figured would relieve me of some of my stresses from the day- guess I'm wrong a lot more than I think. I get lost. In this huge city that I'm not accustomed to driving in. There is so much road work that my GPS is rerouting every five seconds- which in turn caused me to get back to work about 12 minutes late. I'm freaking out, how am I gonna explain this to them?! I get back to my job, take a deep breath and walk into the storm. Except, There was no storm. Nothing. They had "forgot" that I even took a lunch. They just assumed I left. What sense does that even make? None. Zero. What in the world? At this point, I should mention, I am just completely done with this place and these people. But, I finish my shift. I go back to my hotel, go to sleep, wake up the next morning, email my DM, check out, and that was that. I ended up accepting the first job that was offered to me that I was worried I wouldn't be good enough for, turns out they held my spot because they wanted me on their team so badly. So win-win. The lesson to be learned here, is it is okay to make mistakes- I felt so torn as to what job I should take, if I should stay or go, if I should call the police on these crazy people and their shady happenings, I felt like I was being torn between 100 different options, which is okay. It is okay to mess up. You are not always going to make the right decisions the first time around, or the second, or third. It will just happen when it is meant to happen. People never really discussed with me how hard it is managing your decisions and dealing with the consequences. I was always just told, "Try not to mess it up- you've got this." Which is a lie. No one "has this". Don't think you're failing just because you aren't on course with other people's opinions of where you should be. Someone once said, "Opinions are like assholes- everyone has one and they stink." Truer words have never been spoken. You are not going to be like everyone else, you are going to make a ton of mistakes, just try to have trust that you are the only one who controls your decisions and if you're not, then you need to start. No one has a right to tell you what or how or why you should or shouldn't be doing something. Look at this instance, I made my own decision and I made a bad one. I've had people say, "I told you so. I knew this would happen." But, here's the thing- they didn't. Opinions=Assholes. If I would have been asked five years ago- er, hell, five months ago if I thought I'd be writing a blog, I would have immediately said, "Who the hell still writes blogs?" And well, apparently I do now. This was a very "heat of the moment" occurrence, but hey, I guess that's how life plays out sometimes. At least that's how I feel, and that is essentially what this blog is going to be about- the many instances of spur of the moment decisions, the goods and bads, the ups and downs, and everything in-between. I want to dive into the topics that are typically seen as "taboo" and not discussed by most. The really nitty-gritty details life has to offer. So, for starters, welcome. I truly hope you find this blog to be somewhat relatable and even if it isn't, finding some comfort in knowing maybe your life isn't as screwy as you may think. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy reading my own personal experiences with all things chaotic, and my other ramblings.
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AuthorHoldyn Morrow |